Frustrated.

It's been an overall frustrating sort of day. I've felt like writing in this blog for quite some time yet, but haven't had much to say or didn't know where to start. Today has been full of my entire range of emotions-- happiness, anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment..okay, you get the picture. I've been in the process of taking down my stuff in my dorm room and every few days taking as much home in my car as I could. My walls are now bare, with the exception of my pictures- those are always the last to go. I can't live in a place where I have no pictures, that's unacceptable. I also found out that I'll be done a week from Friday with my junior year. Although it puts me one step closer to graduation (which I'm totally not ready for by the way), I deserve a break. A long break. One free of school work and the stress of having to get things done on a timeline. I need time to be with friends, family, and finally some time with my boyfriend whom I never get to see anymore. I miss my brother & I'll be so happy to see him every day. I'm also frustrated because I feel like I'm the only person who enjoys making plans and sticking to them. I look around and even things that don't even concern me frustrate me..people make deadlines they don't ever intend to keep, don't show up to class because they neglected to do something for that day, or just simple things such as saying they'll do something then they don't. I had to get away for a while, so I went home. It was peaceful. I just sat down on the couch & did absolutely nothing...and didn't feel bad about it because I really did just need that time. MY time. I'm hoping to find something to do once I get out of school next weekend..maybe see the best friend, take a weekend trip somewhere? I'm not sure...I need to figure out what to do. Hmmm...yeah..so I'm sorry if this turned into more of a rambling, but sometimes it's necessary. Here's to the rest of this short week and a lovely weekend at home for Easter with my family :)

Brother

I wrote this a little before spring break just because it was close to my heart as he usually is, but I decided to enter it in for the college literary magazine that I was featured in twice last year. Unfortunately it didn't make the cut this year, so I thought I should at least share it with my followers on here. It doesn't make it any less special to me :) Enjoy..

Brother

We used to fight most ever day,

Almost to a tee;

"Those toys are mine, don't touch my stuff,

Why are you always following me?"

When I think back now, it makes me sad

How much time I fought with you.

Now I can't imagine a boy who could

Be my brother, quite like you can do.

I may not tell you quite enough,

How much you mean to me.

I love it when you call me "sister,"

I hope than you can see.

Thank you for being who you are,

And doing what you do;

No one else can ever take

That place in my heart for you. <3

Well, anyone who knows me will understand the reference to calling me "sister" and why the title of the poem is simply "Brother." It may not have been picked simply because it wasn't very clear, but then again...like most ways I express myself whether through here or other social media, I just simply do it for myself :)

Amongst the Rubble

These past few weeks of school have been very stressful. I've had numerous things come up without warning, and simply cannot be in one million places at once. It's been really hard for me to keep everything balanced and this week especially I've had several breakdowns because of this. I was actually on my way home this afternoon to grab a few things and then to meet a family member, when I flipped from my current CD to 89.7 WMHK just because for some reason I felt led to. After the current song had finished playing, the talk show hosts at the time began talking. The woman speaking told a story of her and her son in which they'd recently been walking by an old downtown park which was under reconstruction. "Looking out over the park amongst the rubble, I could barely recognize the park." This made her sad because she had experienced many memories with her children there. They were breaking down the park to build a newer, nicer one. She then went on to say that that experience is a lot like life...God breaks us down to nothing but rubble sometimes; our lives feel like they're crashing down around us, but what we don't see is what God is doing amongst the rubble to break us down & make us brand new. I immediately felt tears running down my face. I then knew why I needed to hear that. No matter how stressed and run down my schedule/life may seem at this point, what I don't see are the workings that are taking place underneath it all. I look forward to the mystery that will soon be revealed.

Blessed

I just recently watched a video my pastor posted on facebook of our youth group & how they recently travled out of state to perform at a youth conference to hundreds of youth. After watching the video, I was reminded how blessed I am to belong to a church that is so welcoming & beneficial to every age group, the way I feel it should be. I first began attending with a friend in middle school & have been there ver since. My family are now members as well as several family friends of ours. It's amazing how well the children who go to church here are brought up in the bible, encouraged as youth & grow up to be wonderful testimoies. I personally don't think I could have made it this far in my college years without this church. I look forward every sunday to waking up & traveling with my friends for the church service. It's honestly the best part of my week that I know will never change. I'm blessed to be able to stay in constant communication with my pastor through text messages, email, phone calls, or even personal visits when needed. He recently met with me to discuss a paper I'm writing for a religion calss. I was so stressed about the paper, life in general at this point in the semester when I showed up, but when I left, I just felt so relieved. Just talking through my paper, and also about various life events helped me to calm down and realize everything will be okay. I've never felt so at home as I do in that church.

Have a Blessed Day!

Sorry if this turns into more of a boring story of my life, but I really just want to express what a wonderful day I've had today!

I started off exhausted although I got a good nights sleep. Before my first class, I received a phone call for an interview I was trying to set up for an article for the local paper here. She wanted to meet up today, during my already crazy Wednesday, but I agreed. I got yelled at by my professor who I told in advance I'd be late to his class because of said interview, but look...there's not much I can do. When a story presents itself, it's my journalistic nature to grab it. And I will always be thankful I did.

The woman I met with was the mother of a 15 year old boy with cerebral palsy who has been helping out our college football team. I got to meet her, as well as her son. To just see his face light up when someone talked to him will forever stay with me. He was just so full of life. Instead of letting his disability hold him back, he embraced it saying CP stands for Collossal Personality, not Cerebral Palsy.

I also had a wonderful conversation with my pastor this afternoon that will greatly help me with my upcoming religion paper. It was great to get his point of view and relate it back to what I've learned in my class so far. It's just been a great day so far and I just feel so blessed this afternoon. I hope that you all have a blessed day as well!! God Bless!

Having a Beautiful Heart

Tonight in FCA we talked about stress and the different ways we can deal with those types of situations in our lives. We all went around and shared things that have recently happened or that are occuring now that we could take time to pray for each problem/stress that seemed to be occuring in someone's life. I spoke up and shared my experience of how awful it is to have lost a friend so young in his life over Christmas break. There were other experiences such as mine mentioned as well as schoolwork. Another friend of mine spoke up and said she struggles with trying to hard to make people like her. I didn't think too much about it until I got back to my room and turned on my iTunes to hear "More Beautiful You" by Jonny Diaz.

To summarize the chorus it basically says that God loves you for who you are, who He made you to be. That you shouldn't stress about how the world sees you or what you look like to other people. Every time I hear that song I just can't understand why our world today is so caught up in what people think of them...always having to have the "latest" something to make us "feel happier." If it's not having the latest thing or wearing the latest thing, we always feel like we have to try to make someone like us and maybe even sacrifice who we are in order to reach that aspiration. That very thing that I don't understand is something I struggle with on a pretty big basis. It's not that I don't feel like I'm pretty or that I don't have a good group of friends. I have wonderful friends, family, and a boyfriend who makes me feel beautiful but sometimes I guess I just get caught up too much in wordly things.

I'm not too big on New Year's Resolutions, but I decided a while back that mine for this year was going to try to be to become more confident in who I am as a person and that when I look in the mirror every morning to see myself as God is seeing me, not as the world may see me.

1 Samuel 16:7 says, "The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

Remembering Will..

"It doesn't happen overnight, but you turn around and a month's gone by...you get a little bit stronger." -Sara Evans

Although the lyrics above aren't exactly about losing a friend, I found them appropriate. Yesterday marked the one month mark that I lost one of my good friends to a tragic car accident. I wasn't up to writing this blog yesterday, but I do feel that one is much deserved so here goes nothing. (I apologize in advance if theres rambling.)

I can't say, like in the song, that a month has gone by and I haven't cried for my friend. I miss him looking through old photographs, talking w/ friends, and especially when reminiscing with his family. He and I were closer when we were younger...I'll even admit to having the hugest crush on him during those days. He was the "bad boy" that every girl somewhat wants, yet never admits. His twin brother is actually more like myself, but when you're younger, who wants that? ;-)

I click on his facebook page from time to time, curious as to those who still write on it. I would, but it's just not as therapeutic for me as it is for others, idk why. I then clicked on the "See friendship" link underneath our names. It's not very much, no pictures to speak of (most of our pictures came before the time of facebook.) It recognizes that we became facebook friends in August of 2008 as well as several of the things we both "like." One of those being the lake not too far between both our houses. It's hard to imagine that he'll never ride with his family on my family's boat again; I'll never see him at another baseball game; he'll never come over to my house again to hit baseballs with my brother; etc. Is it possible that I'm still in some sort of denial after all this time? Or is it that I've received signs that everything's okay and that I have a strong enough faith at this point in my life to realize that he's much better off than I am right now?

We had such beautiful snow this week. My mind was constantly on him as I watched the snowflakes drift slowly to the ground. I wonder if God's angels can have snowball fights? Or what snow looks like from heaven looking down on Earth...I can only imagine.

My boyfriend has been making me watch a serious of television shows with him the past 2 weeks. I've been in and out of paying attention to them except for last night, while I was contemplating writing this blog, I heard a line that caught my attention:

"Endings are hard. But then again, nothing ever really ends, does it?"

I really liked this line. My friendship with Will hasn't ended, it's not gone. Sure, I may only have the old memories at this time but someday I'll see his smiling face again and I'm sure it'll be like no time had passed between us. Until then, I pray that he's not making too much trouble in heaven, and continues to watch out for us down here...