My dear friend,
This might be one of the most difficult things I've ever had to write. As we approach thanksgiving, as well as the upcoming December month, I know a lot of hearts are continuing to break as we miss you from our lives; However, although brief, I'm thankful for the time that I did get to spend with you. You were one of my first crushes...the "bad boy" if you will..we were nothing alike, yet I "worshiped" you from afar. I'm not sure how many people I've ever admitted that to. Although we were very different, you were someone I could talk to, could share experiences with, laugh with. We grew apart some as we grew older, our families did as well; I always regretted that. We were just different, but somehow the two of us managed to keep in touch. Two summers ago, the last time I saw you, I can still remember the conversations we had together and I probably always will. I'm thankful that although our families all miss your presence sometimes too much to bear, that we have all reconnected and are able to strengthen our "family bond" once again. Your presence is always there, I can always feel you near. I can't tell you how much I appreciate every sign and blessing you have sent my way. I pray to you that you still continue to send them to myself and as well as those who truly need them. I ask you to keep an eye on all of us here and to keep us sane until we can finally see you again. I love you so much.. <3
Love always,
Me.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Change
I'm not big on change, never have been. My mother will back me up on this. I don't like any type of change really, it's just not something I handle well at all. That's probably why this year, my senior year of college, has been so terribly difficult for me. When I can't really handle the seasons changing, the time changing (because I'm blind), and small issues like that, how can I be expected to handle a huge change in my life such as graduating from college, in say, oh, 6 months?
Lately we've had even bigger changes in our small college community. Our president, that we haven't even had more than a year and a half has resigned. He shook my hand and hugged me at our awards service, then I find out the very same afternoon that he's resigned? Somethings not right. Some say they're happy with his absence, but I can't say I agree. He always spoke to students on campus, asked us our opinions, and genuinely seemed to care about what we wanted to see happen within our small community of students and faculty. I've also been told it's not important per say for me to personally know the person handing me my college diploma, but I disagree. In a small community such as this, I find it's very important to have a personal relationship with the "higher-ups," so in an effort to try to be positive about the situation, I plan on getting to know our "acting" president, because it's highly doubtful our college will see a new president within the next 6 months. Today I was finally given closure on the issue when someone finally decided to tell me a little more of the truth when it came to everything that happened. I respect that, because all of us here are adults and should be treated as such when it comes to the place we spend the majority of our time.
Walking back from class today, as I'm headed to my room, I hear the usual chimes in the distance that play on the hour for our campus. Whether we have a president now or not, whether or not I'm here in 6 months, none of those things will effect the bells significance to our community. The chimes will play on, as should I.
Lately we've had even bigger changes in our small college community. Our president, that we haven't even had more than a year and a half has resigned. He shook my hand and hugged me at our awards service, then I find out the very same afternoon that he's resigned? Somethings not right. Some say they're happy with his absence, but I can't say I agree. He always spoke to students on campus, asked us our opinions, and genuinely seemed to care about what we wanted to see happen within our small community of students and faculty. I've also been told it's not important per say for me to personally know the person handing me my college diploma, but I disagree. In a small community such as this, I find it's very important to have a personal relationship with the "higher-ups," so in an effort to try to be positive about the situation, I plan on getting to know our "acting" president, because it's highly doubtful our college will see a new president within the next 6 months. Today I was finally given closure on the issue when someone finally decided to tell me a little more of the truth when it came to everything that happened. I respect that, because all of us here are adults and should be treated as such when it comes to the place we spend the majority of our time.
Walking back from class today, as I'm headed to my room, I hear the usual chimes in the distance that play on the hour for our campus. Whether we have a president now or not, whether or not I'm here in 6 months, none of those things will effect the bells significance to our community. The chimes will play on, as should I.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Slipping Through My Fingers..
First of all, I know before even writing this that I'll probably be crying before it's finished. I got the title from this blog from a song from "Mamma Mia," Which coincidentally I watched twice last week. The whole movie is amazing, and not just because I love musicals. I don't believe there's a song that I don't like in that movie. Anyways, I'm getting off topic. There's a song that applies particularly to my life right now, and some of the lyrics go as follows:
Although this is referring to marriage, it still applies to me right now. I started off my senior year of college with high expectations. I wanted another possible internship, I wanted to head the school paper, I wanted to be more productive, I wanted to make each and every moment count. So far, I've had no luck finding a paid internship (which I desperately need for it to be paid). I'm not the head of the paper, but I am one of the senior correspondents which only one other person, aside from myself, can say. I haven't been very productive and as for making each moment count...? Well, I should have known this would happen. Instead of relishing in the fact that I should be making this the year of my life, I've become melancholy. Example..."This is my last (fill in blank)." It's really depressing. I'm trying so hard not to let it get me down, but the feeling just keeps returning. I'm the oldest of my group of friends, so unfortunately I'm having to share these feelings alone. They keep telling me I should be thrilled to finally be done with school and to do what I want, but I don't feel that way. These past 3 years (not counting my freshman year) have been amazing. I've made such great friendships, and learned so much about myself, although some things I could have lived without knowing. I just pray for the guidance to help me make the best of this before it's over...considering one semester has almost already come & gone. Anybody got a tissue?
"Slipping through my fingers all the time
I try to capture every minute
The feeling in it"
Although this is referring to marriage, it still applies to me right now. I started off my senior year of college with high expectations. I wanted another possible internship, I wanted to head the school paper, I wanted to be more productive, I wanted to make each and every moment count. So far, I've had no luck finding a paid internship (which I desperately need for it to be paid). I'm not the head of the paper, but I am one of the senior correspondents which only one other person, aside from myself, can say. I haven't been very productive and as for making each moment count...? Well, I should have known this would happen. Instead of relishing in the fact that I should be making this the year of my life, I've become melancholy. Example..."This is my last (fill in blank)." It's really depressing. I'm trying so hard not to let it get me down, but the feeling just keeps returning. I'm the oldest of my group of friends, so unfortunately I'm having to share these feelings alone. They keep telling me I should be thrilled to finally be done with school and to do what I want, but I don't feel that way. These past 3 years (not counting my freshman year) have been amazing. I've made such great friendships, and learned so much about myself, although some things I could have lived without knowing. I just pray for the guidance to help me make the best of this before it's over...considering one semester has almost already come & gone. Anybody got a tissue?
Monday, September 19, 2011
"You are not junk, but you are a project..."
Maybe it's just the recent "Fall" weather we've been having, but it makes me want to blog constantly. It's even gotten to the point to as I'm walking to/from my classes, my mind is busily writing before I can even get to a computer to type. My brain needs to realize I don't have too much of a memory during a school semester ;)
Yesterday, we began a new series at my church titled "Restored." The first part yesterday was "God's Salvage Yard." As human begins, we enjoy the process of restoration. It's always fun to take something the world may see as completely irreparable and make it brand new. Maybe that's why I enjoy the editing process so much as a writer. I enjoy taking something I already thought to be "good enough," yet changing and tweaking it until it becomes even better than I thought it to be in the first place.
Jesus' ministry wasn't for those who were the "first" so to speak. He went to the least of these, the lost; that was whom His ministry was for. As Christians, that what we all should be doing; going to those that may need us to step out of our comfort zones in order to help. What happens to a car that never gets rescued? Eventually, they are crushed, melted down, and thrown into a junk heap to be used as recycled metal. In a way, that's what happens when we as Christians don't help to bring people to God. On judgement day, they will be thrown to the side as could we, and thrown into a lake of fire. God looks at each of us the same; we are all His children and he is constantly trying to lead our hearts to Him.
As we look in the mirror, in our eyes, we see many dents, rust, and corrosion on ourselves, but God doesn't see that when he looks at us. In His eyes, he sees our potential, what we could be. We're God's everlasting projects. That is such a relief to me. I see so many things on myself every day that I need to work on, fix, change, in order to not only be the person God wants me to be, but the person that I, myself would like to be. But in order for God to salvage us, He has to go all the way down to our core and begin from the inside out. God starts with our engine (our hearts) and works on us until we are as He sees fit. I'm so thankful to belong to a God who will never give up on me, no matter how many times I may fall down; He'll never leave my side.
Yesterday, we began a new series at my church titled "Restored." The first part yesterday was "God's Salvage Yard." As human begins, we enjoy the process of restoration. It's always fun to take something the world may see as completely irreparable and make it brand new. Maybe that's why I enjoy the editing process so much as a writer. I enjoy taking something I already thought to be "good enough," yet changing and tweaking it until it becomes even better than I thought it to be in the first place.
Jesus' ministry wasn't for those who were the "first" so to speak. He went to the least of these, the lost; that was whom His ministry was for. As Christians, that what we all should be doing; going to those that may need us to step out of our comfort zones in order to help. What happens to a car that never gets rescued? Eventually, they are crushed, melted down, and thrown into a junk heap to be used as recycled metal. In a way, that's what happens when we as Christians don't help to bring people to God. On judgement day, they will be thrown to the side as could we, and thrown into a lake of fire. God looks at each of us the same; we are all His children and he is constantly trying to lead our hearts to Him.
As we look in the mirror, in our eyes, we see many dents, rust, and corrosion on ourselves, but God doesn't see that when he looks at us. In His eyes, he sees our potential, what we could be. We're God's everlasting projects. That is such a relief to me. I see so many things on myself every day that I need to work on, fix, change, in order to not only be the person God wants me to be, but the person that I, myself would like to be. But in order for God to salvage us, He has to go all the way down to our core and begin from the inside out. God starts with our engine (our hearts) and works on us until we are as He sees fit. I'm so thankful to belong to a God who will never give up on me, no matter how many times I may fall down; He'll never leave my side.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Tonight I rediscovered how amazing it feels when God shows you something that He wants you to do in your life. I will admit to not recognizing these signs nearly as often as I should, but tonight it became all too clear. I only wish I'd seen the signs sooner. I can only pray that God gives me the wisdom to handle His will in the way I should..until then, guess I'll keep praying :)
Only Time Will Tell..
I woke almost as suddenly as I had gone to sleep that night. I couldn't figure out what might possibly wake me up at 3:00 in the morning, until I looked down to a recent missed call on my phone from an old friend. I knew before reading her text message that something was off..little did I know how much. As I listened to her on the other end of the phone, it was like I was seeing myself from a distance, but not at all in my body. There had been an accident of a good friend of mine, a childhood friend, and it didn't look good. Little did I know my worst nightmare would be happening. As I tried to grasp how something so tragic could affect someone this young, a good boy, with a great family; a family who had been around my family since before I can even remember. Why do things happen to good people? Does everything really happen for a reason? Where was God during this tragedy?
These are some of the questions we've been discussing at my church this past month. As each question was addressed, my mind always returns to my dear friend. I've been through so many emotions these past 9 months. Why would God take someone who was loved by so many people, not to mention in the dawn of his young life? What good could possibly come out of this? A lot of Christians are taught not to question God in times of despair or crisis and that by doing so you're not allowing yourself to have faith in God, but in reality it's the exact opposite. God is big enough to handle our questions. He's not finished in our lives, and doesn't cause bad things to happen in them, but no matter what, will bring good out of our misfortunes.
When tragedies such as the one in my life occur, the common phrase that is used to "mend" our pain is "Everything happens for a reason." What they really mean to say is that everything happens for a divine reason. By saying that, it assigns everything that happens in this world to God. My personal belief, although some may beg to differ, is that God doesn't cause bad things to happen in our lives; sometimes bad things just happen. However, God does use these bad situations to bend them and shape them into His will for our lives.
So where was God when these terrible things happen in our lives? As my pastor described, I, just as many others have been in tough times, felt as if I was left alone in complete darkness, searching for all the answers I knew I might never get. There are three reasons that bad things could happen in our lives. The first, is that humans have free will. God allows this, and allows us to make our choices because a love that is forced isn't love at all. These choices that we make can be sinful, which in turn leads to a fallen creation. Luckily, God is still working on creation constantly and will never give up on us. The ultimate show of arrogance is to blame God for our choices. The answers to my questions, as well as to yours when it comes to times of tragedy and unfortunate circumstances wont ever give any of us any comfort. The only source that can bring comfort is God and His love.
I may never have the answers to why one of my good friends was killed. His family and loved ones won't ever get the answers that will comfort them, or more importantly bring him back to all of us, however throughout everything God will be there with us guiding us through the tough times in our lives and molding us into the will that He has layed out before us.
These are some of the questions we've been discussing at my church this past month. As each question was addressed, my mind always returns to my dear friend. I've been through so many emotions these past 9 months. Why would God take someone who was loved by so many people, not to mention in the dawn of his young life? What good could possibly come out of this? A lot of Christians are taught not to question God in times of despair or crisis and that by doing so you're not allowing yourself to have faith in God, but in reality it's the exact opposite. God is big enough to handle our questions. He's not finished in our lives, and doesn't cause bad things to happen in them, but no matter what, will bring good out of our misfortunes.
When tragedies such as the one in my life occur, the common phrase that is used to "mend" our pain is "Everything happens for a reason." What they really mean to say is that everything happens for a divine reason. By saying that, it assigns everything that happens in this world to God. My personal belief, although some may beg to differ, is that God doesn't cause bad things to happen in our lives; sometimes bad things just happen. However, God does use these bad situations to bend them and shape them into His will for our lives.
So where was God when these terrible things happen in our lives? As my pastor described, I, just as many others have been in tough times, felt as if I was left alone in complete darkness, searching for all the answers I knew I might never get. There are three reasons that bad things could happen in our lives. The first, is that humans have free will. God allows this, and allows us to make our choices because a love that is forced isn't love at all. These choices that we make can be sinful, which in turn leads to a fallen creation. Luckily, God is still working on creation constantly and will never give up on us. The ultimate show of arrogance is to blame God for our choices. The answers to my questions, as well as to yours when it comes to times of tragedy and unfortunate circumstances wont ever give any of us any comfort. The only source that can bring comfort is God and His love.
I may never have the answers to why one of my good friends was killed. His family and loved ones won't ever get the answers that will comfort them, or more importantly bring him back to all of us, however throughout everything God will be there with us guiding us through the tough times in our lives and molding us into the will that He has layed out before us.
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Right Where I Belong
For the past few weeks (more so closer to the past month or so) I've seen signs everywhere. I know they're meant for me...sometimes you just know. I won't go into great detail about what these signs are. I'm just not quite ready to let go of that type of information yet. Today however, was no exception. It might have started off as just a normal Sunday- get up, get ready, and head to church. I had to keep the nursery this morning, but when I was finally able to head to the service, I entered the fellowship hall where it's held and heard a specific song (also one of my signs). I sat down to save seats for my friends who would be there shortly. The sermon series we've started this week is entitled "Why." Throughout the next 3 weeks we'll be talking about why God allows bad things to happen to good people, why life throws you curveballs you just weren't expecting, etc. Today really hit home. It brought up some painful memories, but ones that were needed in order to hear what God really needed me to this morning. I had chill bumps the entire service. Normally I'd try to calm these, but for today, I really just didn't mind. I then noticed that the very person sitting in front of me was someone that although I don't talk to very often, was someone who I felt needed me this morning. As I sat behind her, I felt her pain. We both shared the same thoughts without making eye contact. It's just one of those things you just know. I realize to someone who doesn't know me very well or even if you do, this all might not make a bit of sense or matter to anyone, but me but for today, I felt like I was right where I belonged..
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