"You are not junk, but you are a project..."

Maybe it's just the recent "Fall" weather we've been having, but it makes me want to blog constantly.  It's even gotten to the point to as I'm walking to/from my classes, my mind is busily writing before I can even get to a computer to type.  My brain needs to realize I don't have too much of a memory during a school semester ;) 

Yesterday, we began a new series at my church titled "Restored."  The first part yesterday was "God's Salvage Yard."  As human begins, we enjoy the process of restoration.  It's always fun to take something the world may see as completely irreparable and make it brand new.  Maybe that's why I enjoy the editing process so much as a writer.  I enjoy taking something I already thought to be "good enough," yet changing and tweaking it until it becomes even better than I thought it to be in the first place. 

Jesus' ministry wasn't for those who were the "first" so to speak.  He went to the least of these, the lost; that was whom His ministry was for.  As Christians, that what we all should be doing; going to those that may need us to step out of our comfort zones in order to help.  What happens to a car that never gets rescued? Eventually, they are crushed, melted down, and thrown into a junk heap to be used as recycled metal.  In a way, that's what happens when we as Christians don't help to bring people to God.  On judgement day, they will be thrown to the side as could we, and thrown into a lake of fire. God looks at each of us the same; we are all His children and he is constantly trying to lead our hearts to Him.

As we look in the mirror, in our eyes, we see many dents, rust, and corrosion on ourselves, but God doesn't see that when he looks at us.  In His eyes, he sees our potential, what we could be. We're God's everlasting projects.  That is such a relief to me.  I see so many things on myself every day that I need to work on, fix, change, in order to not only be the person God wants me to be, but the person that I, myself would like to be.  But in order for God to salvage us, He has to go all the way down to our core and begin from the inside out.  God starts with our engine (our hearts) and works on us until we are as He sees fit.  I'm so thankful to belong to a God who will never give up on me, no matter how many times I may fall down; He'll never leave my side.

Tonight I rediscovered how amazing it feels when God shows you something that He wants you to do in your life.  I will admit to not recognizing these signs nearly as often as I should, but tonight it became all too clear.  I only wish I'd seen the signs sooner.  I can only pray that God gives me the wisdom to handle His will in the way I should..until then, guess I'll keep praying :)

Only Time Will Tell..

I woke almost as suddenly as I had gone to sleep that night.  I couldn't figure out what might possibly wake me up at 3:00 in the morning, until I looked down to a recent missed call on my phone from an old friend.  I knew before reading her text message that something was off..little did I know how much.  As I listened to her on the other end of the phone, it was like I was seeing myself from a distance, but not at all in my body. There had been an accident of a good friend of mine, a childhood friend, and it didn't look good.  Little did I know my worst nightmare would be happening.  As I tried to grasp how something so tragic could affect someone this young, a good boy, with a great family; a family who had been around my family since before I can even remember.  Why do things happen to good people?  Does everything really happen for a reason?  Where was God during this tragedy?


These are some of the questions we've been discussing at my church this past month.  As each question was addressed, my mind always returns to my dear friend.  I've been through so many emotions these past 9 months.  Why would God take someone who was loved by so many people, not to mention in the dawn of his young life?  What good could possibly come out of this?  A lot of Christians are taught not to question God in times of despair or crisis and that by doing so you're not allowing yourself to have faith in God, but in reality it's the exact opposite.  God is big enough to handle our questions.  He's not finished in our lives, and doesn't cause bad things to happen in them, but no matter what, will bring good out of our misfortunes.  


When tragedies such as the one in my life occur, the common phrase that is used to "mend" our pain is "Everything happens for a reason."  What they really mean to say is that everything happens for a divine reason. By saying that, it assigns everything that happens in this world to God.  My personal belief, although some may beg to differ, is that God doesn't cause bad things to happen in our lives; sometimes bad things just happen.  However, God does use these bad situations to bend them and shape them into His will for our lives.


So where was God when these terrible things happen in our lives? As my pastor described, I, just as many others have been in tough times, felt as if I was left alone in complete darkness, searching for all the answers I knew I might never get.  There are three reasons that bad things could happen in our lives.  The first, is that humans have free will.  God allows this, and allows us to make our choices because a love that is forced isn't love at all.  These choices that we make can be sinful, which in turn leads to a fallen creation.  Luckily, God is still working on creation constantly and will never give up on us.  The ultimate show of arrogance is to blame God for our choices.  The answers to my questions, as well as to yours when it comes to times of tragedy and unfortunate circumstances wont ever give any of us any comfort.  The only source that can bring comfort is God and His love. 


I may never have the answers to why one of my good friends was killed.  His family and loved ones won't ever get the answers that will comfort them, or more importantly bring him back to all of us, however throughout everything God will be there with us guiding us through the tough times in our lives and molding us into the will that He has layed out before us.

Right Where I Belong

For the past few weeks (more so closer to the past month or so) I've seen signs everywhere. I know they're meant for me...sometimes you just know. I won't go into great detail about what these signs are. I'm just not quite ready to let go of that type of information yet. Today however, was no exception. It might have started off as just a normal Sunday- get up, get ready, and head to church. I had to keep the nursery this morning, but when I was finally able to head to the service, I entered the fellowship hall where it's held and heard a specific song (also one of my signs). I sat down to save seats for my friends who would be there shortly. The sermon series we've started this week is entitled "Why." Throughout the next 3 weeks we'll be talking about why God allows bad things to happen to good people, why life throws you curveballs you just weren't expecting, etc. Today really hit home. It brought up some painful memories, but ones that were needed in order to hear what God really needed me to this morning. I had chill bumps the entire service. Normally I'd try to calm these, but for today, I really just didn't mind. I then noticed that the very person sitting in front of me was someone that although I don't talk to very often, was someone who I felt needed me this morning. As I sat behind her, I felt her pain. We both shared the same thoughts without making eye contact. It's just one of those things you just know. I realize to someone who doesn't know me very well or even if you do, this all might not make a bit of sense or matter to anyone, but me but for today, I felt like I was right where I belonged..

I'll be seeing you.

With each passing day, I seem to miss you more. It just doesn't seem fair to me..I'm having fun without you & I desperately wish that you were here having fun with everyone too. The whole gang is back together, but minus one. I know it's selfish of me to keep wishing you were here, when you're so much better off, and I'm constantly trying to work on that. I see your signs everywhere. Each day they seem to become more and more frequent. I love them, so please don't stop sending them my way. They help me to know that you're sending your love down for all of us to enjoy. I keep replaying some of our last conversations & I know you're laughing at me for all of the crazy things that I do. Until we meet again, I'll be seeing you...

Blah.

I feel like it's way past due for another post. Honestly, I don't know why I haven't written in so long..it's like I'm stuck in a "rut" and not really sure how to climb my way back out of it at this point. But here goes nothing...

My last summer before I'm thrown into the "real world" as they like to call it is more than half way over. I'd like to say I've accomplished a lot so far, but I can't really say that I have. To be honest, when I didn't get the first job I applied for this summer, my world was a little rocked. I put myself out there to get it, and when I didn't, I guess it kind of put me in a slump. I thought that I'd enjoy not doing much of anything this summer and simply to enjoy the last real summer I had, would be good enough...and for some instances it is. I've been able to enjoy spending time out on the lake with my family, having the option to spend time with my friends whenever, and even was able to spend the week of my 21st birthday with my aunt, which I wouldn't have traded for anything. I guess I just feel somewhat useless sometimes.

A good friend of mine recently moved into the house with me for the remainder of the summer which has been nice, but seeing her work every day doesn't make me feel any better about my situation. Lol I guess I should start trying to be more productive.

Maybe the real reason for this post is that my family has been gone for the majority of the summer. I've enjoyed my freedom of being home alone & coming & going as I please, but I do miss them a lot. Especially my little brother, who means the world to me. It's hard to believe that this time next year, he will have graduated from high school, and me from college. I haven't quite come to terms with either yet.

The good news is that I'm excited/anxious to begin my last year of college. I've got some amazing friends & I'm really going to try to put myself out there this year & enjoy every experience that is thrown my way. Hopefully that will lead to bigger & better things..until then...I'll keep writing more :)

Frustrated.

It's been an overall frustrating sort of day. I've felt like writing in this blog for quite some time yet, but haven't had much to say or didn't know where to start. Today has been full of my entire range of emotions-- happiness, anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment..okay, you get the picture. I've been in the process of taking down my stuff in my dorm room and every few days taking as much home in my car as I could. My walls are now bare, with the exception of my pictures- those are always the last to go. I can't live in a place where I have no pictures, that's unacceptable. I also found out that I'll be done a week from Friday with my junior year. Although it puts me one step closer to graduation (which I'm totally not ready for by the way), I deserve a break. A long break. One free of school work and the stress of having to get things done on a timeline. I need time to be with friends, family, and finally some time with my boyfriend whom I never get to see anymore. I miss my brother & I'll be so happy to see him every day. I'm also frustrated because I feel like I'm the only person who enjoys making plans and sticking to them. I look around and even things that don't even concern me frustrate me..people make deadlines they don't ever intend to keep, don't show up to class because they neglected to do something for that day, or just simple things such as saying they'll do something then they don't. I had to get away for a while, so I went home. It was peaceful. I just sat down on the couch & did absolutely nothing...and didn't feel bad about it because I really did just need that time. MY time. I'm hoping to find something to do once I get out of school next weekend..maybe see the best friend, take a weekend trip somewhere? I'm not sure...I need to figure out what to do. Hmmm...yeah..so I'm sorry if this turned into more of a rambling, but sometimes it's necessary. Here's to the rest of this short week and a lovely weekend at home for Easter with my family :)